


Dark Shades

by Anonymous



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Idols, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Sex, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mentioned NCT Dream Ensemble, Mentioned NCT Ensemble, Non-Chronological, Not Beta Read, Nothing explicit, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:48:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26796868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Even through Renjun's darkest times he would've never imagined having Donghyuck by his side caressing his head and soothing him back to sleep after waking up being bathed in sweat trying to escape one of his recurring nightmares. It feels like he's still stuck trying to find reality even though he should have already woken up.He wished to not bother him anymore. He's sorry that he's not the same ever since and that Donghyuck has to keep up with the broken pieces, which remain the only part which is left of Renjun.He knows that Donghyuck is also suffering — He knows that he suffers when he cries quietly next to him in bed thinking that Renjun already fell asleep. But he hears his suffering when he locks himself in the bathroom after Donghyuck sees him staring blankly at the floor and unable to respond.Renjun thinks those are the times Donghyuck realizes that it is futile — that the older is nothing more than a rotten shell.The person he's loved is long gone and trying to bring him back would only end up in Donghyuck hurting more and more.But Renjun has given up on himself a long time ago and he wished Donghyuck would do the same — for his own sake.Please let him go.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan
Kudos: 8
Collections: Anonymous





	1. o n e

**Author's Note:**

> well, hello  
> welcome back if you already know this fic  
> and welcome if you click on it for the first time
> 
> this fic was first published in december, 2019 and i was not happy with the outcome, so I deleted it and now here is the repost with the change of perspective
> 
> have fun reading <3

present

He knew it was a mistake to leave — to leave everything behind with the intention of never returning. And yet Renjun had packed his things and left without a word — without leaving the smallest sign why. But if he had stayed, he would have stolen Donghyuck’s last will to live and to go on.

But despite all this Renjun was standing here in the cold, while the icy and stormy wind stung his skin like little knives covering his eyes to stop them from freezing and to be able to see.

He had chosen the best day of the year to disappear. The probability that he would freeze to death first, before he could reach his destination, he didn’t know yet, was very high. But he kept walking, trudging through the snow that crunched under my steady steps, which were moving further and further away from Donghyuck, disappearing into nowhere. Fog spread across the horizon and everywhere. It was as if it had trapped him. Maybe it would be good to just disappear in the fog. In any way Donghyuck would have been freed from Renjun.

This path that he had decided to take seemed hopeless to him. And yet he was sure that he had done everything correctly, even though he had doubts. It was maybe his last chance to go. Everything was better than staying there and watching as Donghyuck’s love towards him broke the younger little by little, until there was nothing left of him anymore.

Renjun lived an enviable idol life with his love by his side. But what was fame worth? Fame was not worth suffering. Standing crying in front of the mirror every night wondering why.

Why did he become like this and why did he deserve it? Why did Donghyuck deserve this?

_ To deserve. _

This is one thing that we as human-beings cannot define. Who decides what you earn and what you don't? Moral? Law?

None of this mattered at the end of the day, if you're the one suffering; because you think you didn't deserve it. But how does it matter, if it doesn't change anything?

We have to lead our lives with our own hands to reduce our suffering, which in their case would only reduce Donghyuck’s. Even if it meant for Renjun to leave the most important person in his life behind. It was worth it.

_ He was so sorry. _

He would have liked to shout it through the fog and hoped it would reach Donghyuck. But it was too late. Their life was too far behind Renjun, for him to have the possibility to reach Donghyuck.

_ It was over. _

  
  


2015

Renjun enjoyed remembering the day they first met. He was just running through the huge SM building, which later became a place of both happiness and suffering for them — but they didn’t know that yet — and tried to get to the practice rooms as soon as possible, because he was already too late and afraid to give a bad impression on his first day.

Nobody had instructed Renjun, how things worked and went here, and the building plan, which was given to him, was only allegedly helpful. He didn’t even know which way to hold it. At the time he thought that the specific rooms were signposted far too badly and that nobody could ever find their way. As he later found out he was the only one having trouble while finding any room. His orientation was apparently the worst.

But just when he grumbled about the missing signs, which were not even understandable on the map, he overlooked Donghyuck and immediately plunged him to the ground. The younger hadn't noticed him either, because he was listening to music and as usual he had locked out the world around himself.

To this day Renjun has been wondering how he managed to do this with his slim stature. He had always adored Donghyuck for his curves and compared his own curvilinear small figure to his. Donghyuck was perfect in every way.

In any case, Donghyuck had been pretty annoyed by Renjun and rolled his endless dark brown eyes that captivated him with their inexplicable enjoyment of life for the first time, while he took your right headphone off. Renjun — on the other hand — could only stammer a little 'sorry' adorned with my relatively strong hint of a Chinese accent after he got up from the floor again and tried not to show my flustered face. The older one was so mad at himself that he was embarrassed enough to pronounce a small ‘sorry’ wrong, even though he’s been learning Korean for such a long time already. Donghyuck’s slightly twitching eyebrow was proof that you understood that he suddenly understood that his opposite was both new and a foreigner, who, as announced earlier this week, had made it through the Global Auditions and would be introduced today as Donghyuck told Renjun afterwards.

And so Donghyuck took him in and helped him with everything that gave him a headache, because he knew how hard it was for him to be the new one considering how shy Renjun was towards others. Donghyuck introduced him to the other trainees, practiced his Korean with him, and kept him company whenever the older one was alone because he was too scared and awkward to interact with others. After all, Donghyuck was the only one he knew. But Renjun knew it was all through pity.

Still, he was very grateful for Donghyuck — for all his effort and it felt as if he had never given anything back to him. But the younger one has always only denied it and told him that their friendship would be enough for him.

Nevertheless, Renjun has always wondered what would have happened if he hadn't overrun Donghyuck. Would their story be any different? Would nothing crumble down like it did right now?

  
  


march, 2016

Even though their days as trainees seemed exhausting and endless, the time did fly by and if Renjun could be honest he'd rather have stayed there longer and would not have wanted to know the time after that. 

Donghyuck had been so happy when he found out that he was finally going to debut after being an SM Rookie for a while, he instantly had gotten into Mark's arms, who grinned like him, while Renjun could only give you a shy smile. They were going to be in a group. But Renjun was scared because he had never been in the spotlight yet because in contrast to Donghyuck and Mark he didn’t enjoy the advantage of being announced as an SM rookie and receiving support from loving fans before debut.

As soon as their hug ended, Donghyuck pulled Renjun into a next hug just as warm as the former one he had with Mark Renjun believed, while he was worried about the future and the younger sparkled with joy. Renjun didn't know if he was good enough for their debut. The thought of having to show that he was strong and able to endure this stress scared him. He was struggling so hard trying to keep up with others not knowing if it really paid off at the end. What if he was the only one in our group that wasn't popular? What if he couldn't live up to the expectations and got himself deleted from their line-up in the last second? But Donghyuck saw his doubts written in his stern face and whispered in Renjun’s ear that they would both make it. He knew him inside out. He knew every one of his thoughts and Renjun was grateful for it.

After several hours of dancing, which were driven by the anticipation of their debut, they were especially praised by our dance teachers and left the room fully satisfied knowing they shouldn’t just stop knowing they would make a debut and work even harder. They had decided to celebrate the announcement in their dorm that evening. They sat at the table, eating and talking late into the night.

But the uncertainty in Renjun rose again, and he could not help but retire to his room claiming he was already tired to not spoil the mood of the others and to get time for himself. However, he followed him because the younger one had been watching him all evening with worrying eyes and his withdrawal was only a confirmation for him that something was bothering him.

Just seconds after Renjun lay down in bed, he felt how another weight settled on his bottom bunk bed, which was too small even for one person, and two arms wrapped protectively around him. He tensed up a little because he was confused about who would hug him right now. But eased up immediately after Donghyuck whispered in his ear for a long time that night that he was enough, that he would help him cope with the pressure and that he believed in him, while Donghyuck’s warm body hugged Renjun’s and gave him the assurance that he was not alone.

_ That day Donghyuck took his fear away. _

  
  


august, 2016

The last days before their debut were hell — for all of them. They just couldn't find peace because somebody was always nervous and overthinking, so they had to make sure everyone was alright, knowing they were a group and in this together, even though most of them weren't alright. The older ones just didn't want to admit that they were scared of debuting too, being too busy keeping Jisung and Chenle okay. Renjun remembers Donghyuck hugging and caressing Jisung all the time because he just started crying out of nowhere when no one was paying attention because he thought he wasn't good enough. The pressure was too much for him. Renjun knew that feeling almost too well and at the same time he couldn’t ever imagine how hard it must have been for Jisung to debut at such a young age — letting go of your precious childhood. Even though they were only 2 years older, they still had to give up a lot. Renjun could never imagine how bad it was for him.

It must have been hard being the youngest and keeping up with high expectations. The only thing Renjun could do was, pitying him from afar. Donghyuck saw his glances; he knew Renjun felt the same as him. So while he assured him during the day, he hugged Renjun to sleep at night plastering small kisses on his forehead making him feel being enough. Renjun didn’t know when it started, but it had always made him feel better.

Renjun also tried to give his best in helping Chenle with his Korean, but he knew he couldn’t be helpful enough for him other than translating. So he was grateful that they also had older Chinese trainees that helped Chenle getting used to Korea and listened when he felt homesick.

Donghyuck and Mark weren't as scared as the others because it wasn't their first time to debut, so they put more effort into giving the others' strength. But Renjun never believed that Donghyuck wasn't scared at all, because he was one of the most experienced one of them now and not the maknae anymore like in NCT127. He had to take responsibility and that scared Donghyuck. Renjun wanted to help him, but he never felt like he could have changed a single thing. And even though Renjun was the closest to Mark by age he was not even close to his maturity. He always envied him for that.

The morning on the day before their debut was the summit; Donghyuck was practicing so much and neglecting his health that he just collapsed. That was the point where Renjun could see how fragile he was. He recalled he had fallen on his knees right beside Donghyuck looking into his unconscious face, panicking hard and calling for help. He was alright afterwards but it scared Renjun a lot — to a point where he was always staring at every move Donghyuck made hoping it would never happen again. But in the future he would have been proven wrong.

Still, performing on their showcase was an amazing feeling. Breathlessly dancing, singing and showing that all the hard work they invested in being idols paid off well and the actual debut was a stressful but very happy time working hard together and growing as the brothers they were today.

_ Renjun knew he’ll never regret the time with Donghyuck. _

*

Their debut showcases were amazing — being cheered on by fans and feeling the adrenaline rushing through their bodies performing on stage. But the hoverboards were a pain to use at first. Renjun remembers falling off them the very first times using them. Still, they had to do something special — they were supposed to be more special than others. That’s how the market worked. So he practiced over and over again, falling here and then and making Donghyuck worry about getting an injury. But it was alright for him as long as he got better and proved that he was worth enough to debut in NCT DREAM.

One time Donghyuck even had to catch Renjun because the older one tripped over the hoverboard and fell into his arms. Donghyuck didn’t expect him to sweep him off the ground and let himself fall with Renjun.

_ A second time Renjun recalled. _

Renjun was so startled and embarrassed that he might have hurt him and made such a big tumult by tripping over the hoverboard that he straight up ran out the practice room to barricade himself in a toilet stall. He was too ashamed to even check if Donghyuck was okay. And Renjun was still sorry that he didn’t check on him to this day and ran away as the coward as he was.

Tears started running down Renjun’s face while he was trembling and sitting on the toilet lid as he was too overwhelmed with the whole situation. Everything just started falling apart. Everything he tried to shove away because it bothered him too much came crashing down on him — hitting him all at once. It would’ve been better if Renjun hadn’t been sobbing so loudly. But he just couldn’t stop and it hurt him so much that he felt like the pain was eating him inside out.

“ _ Renjun? _ ” He nearly overheard Donghyuck’s voice with all the sobbing which echoed through the room, but he kept on knocking on the stall bringing the older one back to reality — to bring back his sanity.

How Renjun wished he wasn’t the one to follow him — even though somebody else would have been even worse. But wishing did nothing to change the situation.

Donghyuck wanted him to open the door for him, and he couldn’t help but let him in. He should have pleaded more to leave him alone. That would have changed a lot of things for the better.

Renjun let Donghyuck in his heart and his head and still he stayed by his side soothing him by hugging him tightly and not letting him go. He didn’t need to say anything. Donghyuck knew what was wrong and Renjun was grateful that he didn’t have to speak.

_ He made the burn in his insides slowly fade. _

*

Even though Donghyuck was younger than Renjun by a few months the older one felt like Donghyuck was a lot more mature and put together than he was — than he could’ve ever been. And he looked up to him because of that. Donghyuck was always so strong and never showed any weakness. But Renjun knew he was also struggling and trying his hardest not to show. Nevertheless, his façade eventually started to crumble, so Renjun wanted to help him in any way possible. Nevertheless, Donghyuck never let anyone help him because he believed that he was able to overcome any hardship on his own and that might have broken him a little. Renjun wished he could’ve taken all the pain and sorrow away like Donghyuck took his pain and worry away.

*

Their rookie days were quite hectic. Donghyuck and Mark were juggling between NCT DREAM and NCT 127 and Renjun was asking himself if their fans would ever love him as much as they loved Donghyuck already as SM Rookies. Even though Chenle also wasn’t a part of SM Rookies, he didn’t start from zero as Renjun did. He already gave concerts at such a young age, and he already had his own fans.

Renjun admitted he had been quite jealous because the fans already knew Donghyuck, and they all had bonded throughout the years. He felt like an intruder — a stranger — thrown into an already strong built group of trainees and friends.

But the younger one always assured him that he was welcome. The others did too. But he never accepted his denial and made him feel like he belonged to our group.

_ Renjun thanked him for never letting him down even though he should have done it a while ago to save his precious self. _

  
  


november, 2017

There were different ways to begin when they fell in love.

Maybe the others in their group were the first ones to catch up on their feelings. Their meaningful glances and affectionate touches might have been too much. Otherwise, their secretive meetings might have been not as secretive as they wanted them to be. 

Renjun remembered one night one year after their debut. They filmed something until late in the evening and Donghyuck insisted on sleeping over in their dorm, because he was too tired to even consider going back to the 127 dorm, and they had to continue filming tomorrow. The manager wasn’t really into Donghyuck’s idea, but he eventually subsided and let him stay in the Dream dorm. One of the biggest smiles Renjun has ever seen on him drew on his face, while he jumped into the van ready to drive with Jisung, Jeno, Jaemin and Renjun, while Mark drove alone with another staff member, because he insisted on sleeping in his own bed, and Chenle was picked up by one of his family members.

So as the five sat in the van, Donghyuck told us, how much you missed staying with them over the night like they did before debuting. But Renjun felt him nudging his side while Donghyuck said that and slowly brushing past his arm letting the older one feel at ease. Jeno and Jaemin only laughed and teased Donghyuck about only wanting to be with Renjun. But he just grinned, shook his head and secured them that he missed living with them all, even though Jisung was already fast asleep and couldn’t enjoy Donghyuck’s nightly company. Being with them was enough.

Their manager eventually brought them to their dorm and urged them to not sleep too late, while she shushed them into the building helping Jeno and Donghyuck carry Jisung up the stairs. Donghyuck cheekily answered that he would never do that and winked at Renjun crossing his fingers behind his back. Eyes rolling Renjun pushed everyone inside and closed the door.

“I guess I’ll bring Jisung to bed.” Jeno said. “Do you mind helping me, Jaemin?”

Jaemin glanced at the last two for a second and then smilingly nodded, leaving them alone.

Arms stretching Renjun walked into the corridor and wondered if Donghyuck seriously considered sleeping on a cramped couch. But the younger grabbed Renjun’s wrist, asking him if the older one didn’t spare some room on my bed. Confused he blinked at him and let the words sink in. It had been a while since they both slept in the same bed, considering how difficult it was not living in the same dorm as they did as trainees. But the idea of sleeping next to Donghyuck made Renjun’s heart leap for joy. Even though he didn’t want to admit that he missed hearing Donghyuck soothing and steady breathing and his up-and-down-moving chest as he slowly fell asleep, Renjun couldn’t help but agree.

So he found himself lying in his cramped bed staring at the wall, while Donghyuck lay down behind him as the older felt his unsteady breathing on his neck. Donghyuck must have realized that Renjun was wide awake because the older tried to hold his breath thinking about how hard his heart was beating at the moment. He didn’t know he could get this nervous lying next to Donghyuck considering how it was nothing new for him. But still it felt different that day.

“Injunnie? Are you still awake?”

Slowly he turned around inching closer to the wall to keep a little distance between them two, which was impossible in this small bed. Renjun’s breath hitched as soon as he realized how close their faces were.

“Are you okay?” Donghyuck asked quietly with worrying eyes.

“Sure, why shouldn’t I be?”

Pushing back his nervousness Renjun stared back at those lively dark brown eyes which even sparkled a bit in the shining moonlight. Oh, how he misses looking into Donghyuck once happy eyes — into his youthful soul.

His look didn’t need any words. He was very sure that Renjun knew what he meant. And Renjun knew.

Quickly the older one wrapped his arms around Donghyuck’s body and eased his head onto his chest to suddenly hear his equally fast heartbeat. They didn’t need words. They only needed to be there for each other.

Donghyuck’s hands immediately found their way around him and to his head, which they gently stroked trying to ease the pain. Renjun only hummed quietly as he fell into his familiar embrace not trying to think about what worried him.

“Oh, Injunnie…”

Renjun thinks that that was when he realized that he couldn’t be without him anymore — that he was the second half, he never thought about searching but suddenly found.

_ And now that he knew somebody like him existed, he never wanted to let him go anymore. _

august, 2018

Another way to begin when they fell in love is Donghyuck’s.

Renjun remembers how he told him that the younger fell in love with him way earlier than he himself did. But still, Donghyuck didn’t realize for a long time. That’s why Renjun had to run after him trying to understand what he felt for him.

But let’s start with what Donghyuck once told Renjun.

Their first meeting was kind of special considering how Renjun managed to run Donghyuck over while being the small little boy he once was. The younger listened to another song he had to practice to and was so focused on what he had to improve on that he didn’t even see Renjun. So he was easy meat for him to put him down.

At first — he told Renjun — he was so annoyed because he thought Renjun was another ruthless trainee who didn’t care about others and thought he was better than everyone else. A lot of those people existed in their company and hoped to become big, but their arrogance often made them less charming to make them debut unless they were amazing at hiding it.

But as soon as Donghyuck saw him, he somehow knew that he wasn’t intentionally ruthless — that Renjun was somehow different. His angered expression had to soften as soon as he saw the older’s innocent startled face.

Donghyuck once told him that there was something hidden behind his eyes — something which wasn’t near arrogance, something beautiful — something that made him love Renjun. The older never really understood what he meant by that. But Donghyuck told him he knew he was special. There was something disguised in the first glance that Renjun gave you fearfully awaiting your angered outburst by his ruthless action, that gave him the urge to save Renjun from the whole world. At first, it was out of pity seeing the lost new Chinese trainee; however it became out of love watching the boy Donghyuck wanted to save with his precious love growing.

Though, whatever he wanted to save Renjun from, it might have been not enough.

But that was never Donghyuck's fault. Renjun never intended to find a culprit. There was never just one. How things evolved was an outcome of many different influences and it didn’t matter who or how things came crashing down. It only mattered that it happened.

Nonetheless, that wasn’t when Donghyuck realized that he fell in love with him — as he explained to Renjun.

He realized he fell in love with Renjun during  _ We Go Up _ promotions. For the first time he could see how much Renjun had matured since they first had met and it blew his mind. Putting away the innocent image Renjun had to pursue made Donghyuck realize how much too precious for a normal friend he actually for him was. It wasn’t the leaving innocence that made him precious to Donghyuck; but the way Renjun started shining and feeling more comfortable. How he became happier around the camera, less scared of failing.

Renjun remembers the way Donghyuck looked at him as they ran off during their filming break laughing and moving further and further away until they couldn’t see the others anymore. The sun was setting soon and making Donghyuck’s beautiful eyes flicker with thousands of stars hidden inside his soul — hidden inside his own universe. Renjun was so indulged in observing his own fascinating spectacle that he slowly moved closer to Donghyuck letting his breath hitch because of the small distance and bringing Renjun back into reality.

Renjun realized that he would have been able to kiss the younger with only moving a few inches. But suddenly he didn’t feel the courage to do so. Thus, the older was only able to stare into his opposite’s lively eyes waiting for him to react. Renjun could see that he was nervous, yet he wanted to know if Donghyuck would take the initiative and show him that he wasn’t the only one who fell in love.

Slowly Donghyuck’s gaze left Renjun’s to stare at his lips and to shortly come back to his eyes to flicker between them. The older could see the wheels in his head working until he started making the distance between them disappear.

Feeling his lips on Renjun’s felt like a short but happy dream come true before Donghyuck erratically pulled away and began to run back leaving Renjun alone. But he knew better than to feel sad and left behind. Renjun always knew he needed time, so he gave Donghyuck as much as he needed.

But one thing he knew for sure:

_ Renjun’s happiness made him fall in love with him. _


	2. t w o

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He didn’t lie entirely. At some point he was envious. But the only reason Renjun ran away from him and his own feelings was that he didn’t want to be confronted. He tried to save their friendship by attempting to bury his feelings, forgetting that he might be doing it wrong and dissolving their friendship thinking it would help. But Renjun falling in love was something that Donghyuck didn’t need to know yet. He was too desperate holding onto their friendship to go back to letting you go again. Renjun wouldn’t want to go through these months again without him — even though it meant masking his feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here i am again  
> took a while for me to rewrite  
> but i just got sick and i have workload of stuff to do for exams  
> chapter 3 might take a lot longer :/

present

Renjun wished he had taken more with him than some money and his phone, which he actually didn’t need because he decided it was better to just simply turn it off to prevent anyone from locating him. 

If somebody found him, they would surely bring Renjun back to Donghyuck, or they would at least let him know where he was. And then it would be over for the younger as soon as Renjun’d come back to Donghyuck. All effort Renjun had put into making Donghyuck letting him go would be futile.

It destroyed Renjun to leave him alone, but that was the only chance — as he believed — he had to make his loved one feel alive again. Renjun suffocated him with the way he had become, and he felt the inevitability he couldn’t change. He could only watch how the boy he loved so much slowly despaired. It hurt him to see how his whole being had decomposed into nothing, but Donghyuck always tried his best to make it stop. They both knew it wouldn’t stop. Yet the one who got suffocated by it was too stubborn to let him go to save himself. So Renjun had to act without his agreement. It was always meant for Donghyuck's best, even though the older knew his loved one wouldn’t see it as this now.

After a long time Renjun finally reached the subway, he didn’t know yet where it would take him. However, he knew that he needed to be as far as possible. Renjun couldn’t leave Korea yet because of the passport control, but he believed that it was okay for now if he went as far as he could get with the subway and then settle in a motel far away from Donghyuck.

Fussy he pulled his cap deep over his face to prevent anyone from recognizing him. Even though Renjun had retired as an idol he still had a degree of after-fame. People would still take pictures of him talking about how dead he looked. They would suddenly agree with his departure of DREAM or push it on a sudden alcohol addiction or whatever mentally ill celebrities could be addicted to. Either way the publicity wouldn’t be good.

Renjun remembers how bad the comments were before he left our group and how worse they got after he was gone. Apparently he left a mold, where no one else could fit in and it was obvious that there was something before. As much as his former members tried to conceal the missing piece, it was there. And how much he wished he would leave without letting scars which destroyed their perfect image, it didn’t matter.

Small bickering in front of him captivated Renjun’s mind, but he kept his head low to act as if he wasn’t scared that they might be talking about him. His breath hitched as soon as he heard Donghyuck’s name, then his own name fell, and he felt like throwing up.

He tried to make himself believe that it was just a coincidence that they were talking about him and that they didn’t actually recognize him. They just like to talk about celebrities. Maybe they were fans.

“Don’t you think they were a thing?”

The nausea came back again.

“Before Renjun left? Maybe. But look at Haechan’s new pictures with his girlfriend. They look so cute together.”

_ Breathe. _

“As if he’s gay. Don’t be ridiculous.”

Perfect. He loved that topic.

_ Breathe in and out. In and out. Everything’s okay. _

“Stop being close-minded! He could be.”

Renjun didn’t know whether he should chuckle or still feel sick about them talking about him. It was amazing how they talked about their sexualities as if they knew them. What did they know?

The automatic computer voice appeared and announced that it was only 2 more stops until the end station. He felt relieved as he heard the words. Soon he would leave those fangirls and had a lower chance of being recognized.

Barely a minute away from the last station, Renjun raised my head to accidentally look into one of the girls’ eyes, which talked about me earlier and found them curiously staring at him.

Alarmed he looked away and hoped that she wouldn’t say anything. Yet that was just naïve. Just seconds after she saw his face she began drawing attention to him by talking to Renjun.

“Excuse me?”

The subway drove into the station and he stood up. If nobody stopped him now he could easily just disappear running up those stairs at the end of the station.

“Wait” she said, trying to get his attention.

But then the doors opened and he was gone.

Renjun really hoped that she would feel uncertain if it was really him, so she wouldn’t tell anyone that  _ ex-idol Huang Renjun was seen using public transportation after 6 months of hiding. _

He could already picture the articles they would write. They would start analyzing again why he was gone and why he looked so worn out even though he wasn’t an idol anymore. However, they would never know the real reason.

Internally he shook those thoughts away trying to focus on what he had to do now. His plan was to buy a new SIM-card and eventually get rid of his old one; so that no one was able to contact or locate him anymore.

The next convenience store he saw he immediately walked into to buy the SIM-Card and disappear fast. It was really easy to walk into the store and get what he wanted, considering how the cashier didn’t even spare a glance at him. How thankful he was because of their lack of interest.

Still he thought that his cap wasn’t hiding enough of his face, so he bought a mask to directly put it on. It wouldn’t be suspicious that he wore one. He wouldn’t be the only one. Now and then he saw somebody walking around wearing a mask to save oneself from Seoul’s bad air.

Now Renjun only needed to find a taxi that would drive him to a motel that was far away from the city. Anxious, he stood next to the taxi waiting line and hoped that the driver wouldn’t make him take off my mask in the car because he felt uncomfortable not seeing his face. The driver that picked Renjun up raised his eyebrow as he kept the mask on but didn’t say anything. 

Coughing he told him where he wanted to go to adjust his voice and to make wearing the mask in the car reasonable. Being sick was always a good excuse. He just nodded and slowly escaped Seoul’s living traffic.

He hadn’t been outside Seoul for a long time. Feeling that you were bound to your apartment didn’t make you feel like you could be outside for a long time. But now here he was — he was outside and on his feet walking for a long time already. He nearly forgot that he could do that.

Small snowflakes started sticking on the car's window as they left the skyscrapers behind. He expected it; thinking about how cold it was, but still, it was sad to see the first snow alone. But he guessed that's something he needed to get used to now.

When they reached the motel he gave the driver his money and rushed inside to the motel to not freeze because he still didn’t have a winter proof jacket.

Checking-in was easy too. He only needed to tell them his fake name which he used to use when he needed a time-out and didn’t want anyone to recognize him.

Soon he lay in the room’s bed and exhaled loudly. Today was a lot. But Renjun still needed to do one last thing. So he got his phone out of his pocket, changed the SIM-card and turned the phone on.

Suddenly Donghyuck’s face appeared on his lock screen, and he silently cursed himself for putting him there. It hurt him thinking about Donghyuck not knowing where he was and probably nearly dying because of his worry. But it would be okay. Soon he would forget Renjun and finally become happy. He deserved to be.

Swiftly another thing caught his eyes; he got a notification of naver news.

_ ‘NCT DREAM announces hiatus’. _

He wasn’t exactly surprised. He heard under which pressure they were lately. However, he didn’t know if they were able to even go on hiatus right now. Putting a big group on hiatus meant losing money, and he didn’t think that they would ever consider this option. So a big question took space in his mind.

_ How broken were they? _

  
  


january, 2018

Renjun felt very lost when he realized that he slowly started falling in love with Donghyuck. It was a scary thought to feel different towards him and have the possibility to destroy their friendship — maybe even destroying the group’s image if somebody found out.

There were many possible outcomes and the negative ones truly prevailed. So Renjun started to keep his distance towards Donghyuck to maybe fall out of love. Perhaps that was the best way to let those weird feelings disappear. He knew it wasn’t good to have feelings for the younger neither for their group nor for their friendship.

So Renjun started hanging out more with Jeno and Jaemin refusing to give Donghyuck even the slightest chance to ask him out. When the younger asked them to have lunch or dinner after practice they already had plans to go somewhere else, so Donghyuck only went with Mark — unless he already had planned to eat with Johnny or Yuta — Chenle and Jisung.

Renjun felt very sorry whenever he saw the disappointed face Donghyuck made, when he had to decline, and started whining that they wouldn’t hang out anymore, only promising the younger that there was eventually a next time. In thoughts the older added that there was  _ only _ a next time if he didn’t feel like his heart was about to burst when his best friend stared at him pouting. But eventually the disappointment began to subside into discouragement until Donghyuck fully stopped to ask. Maybe he took the hint — maybe he didn’t. At least what he assumed made him let Renjun distance from him.

After all, even Jeno and Jaemin became aware of the weird atmosphere that was built around them two and started to ask Renjun about it. They also tried to interrogate Donghyuck about their — but mostly Renjun’s — weird behavior. But the younger one couldn't answer them. He didn’t actually know why Renjun acted so poorly around him — only knowing something was off. Renjun had always been a poor actor, but he was determined to never let anyone know about his feelings about Donghyuck, even though he knew they genuinely cared about his well-being. Renjun was sure they would have only pitied him and told him that it wouldn’t end in favor for him. As much as they loved him, they would have wanted to let our group remain, and they would have wanted Renjun to not get his heart broken by Donghyuck.

_ “You’ve been so distant lately”  _ was the first text message that reached Renjun that night. He didn’t even need to read who wrote him.

_ “Is something wrong?” _ was the second one.

There were many things wrong — but not one single thing that Donghyuck was able to change for the better.

_ “Have I done something that upset you?” _ was the last text message he received from Donghyuck that night.

He wished he could have come up with a better lie — to make him believe that it wasn’t Donghyuck’s fault. But he couldn’t. Donghyuck knew him inside out. Lying to him was a thing that had never once worked for Renjun.

The days began to run away from him, time became worthless, and he began to only exist. He couldn’t live. Living only worked when Donghyuck was by his side charging his life battery. But now that he couldn’t be with him any more without giving his feelings away, Renjun felt very low on energy.

He missed the way they used to talk, how they used to listen to each other, laugh about silly things and give advice to things that made them have sleepless nights — however the latter nearly only consisted of Renjun worrying and Donghyuck giving advice. The younger one was never the type to burden others with his own weight of problems. He knew not everyone was able to handle other people’s sorrow and that was okay for him.

Renjun’s silence got so bad that everyone started to worry and planned out to help them reconcile whatever problem they had. But the issue wasn’t the problem  _ they  _ had; the issue was the problem  _ Renjun  _ had. Nobody could have helped him with his feelings. That was Renjun’s own fight.

So it was useless to lock them up in my room.

“You are only getting out when you come out being happy and cuddly again” Jaemin shouted letting the keys loudly jangle outside.

Frustrated Renjun groaned, letting himself fall on his bed trying to ignore Donghyuck’s presence with a pounding heart.

_ He knew that it was going to be a very long stay. _

*

Loudly Renjun sighted and eyed him who expected him to say something. The older wondered if Donghyuck was here voluntarily or got tricked like him. But the way he was studying him Renjun was afraid it was the former.

“Actually” He started avoiding the younger one’s stare “I don’t know what to tell you”

He heard a small chuckle in front of him. “I believe you have a lot more to say than you admit.”

Renjun’s fixed gaze stayed on the floor not daring to move an inch. What was he supposed to tell Donghyuck? He wasn’t going to tell him his feelings, so he had to tell his best friend another lie.

“I figured you’ve been avoiding me for a while and I want to know what I’ve done wrong to upset you. And don’t tell me you’re not avoiding me. I’ve been trying to hang out with you for the past 2 months and you didn’t even agree to go with me once. Nobody is  _ that _ busy considering that you have time for everyone else but me.”

He had to admit that he wasn’t very slick by bringing up the same idiotic excuses.

“I’m just going through things at the moment and you’ve done nothing wrong. I just need time and space somehow.” Renjun’s breathing started becoming irregular by how nervous he was getting.

“I just don’t understand. You can’t even look me in the eye right now. You used to tell me everything. Remember? I’m here for you; I would never judge you. You’re my best friend and I would like to help you with whatever you’re going through, if you just let me.”

Tears started stinging in the older one’s eyes blurring his vision. He missed Donghyuck a lot, but he just couldn’t tell him. Even though Donghyuck told him he would never judge Renjun, what if he would if he told him that he fell in love with him? There was just too much on the stake.

Suddenly Renjun felt two strong arms wrapping themselves around his body and embracing him with their soothing warmth. How much he missed hugging Donghyuck. He felt his energy slowly rising again until he heard his own sobbing. He got embarrassed by himself thinking about how easy it was to break him.

“I just can’t tell you now. But we’ll go back to normal as soon as it’s gone. You’ve done nothing wrong. It’s just something I have to figure out for myself and I’m afraid you can’t help me this time. So I wish you would accept this for now.”

Donghyuck sighed; there was nothing left for him to do than to accept Renjun’s request.

“But don’t forget, if you need help after all I’ll help you through everything.”

Renjun’s quiet snicker loosened the weirdly tense situation and the younger patted his head, keeping him in his tight hold.

“I promise I’ll tell you, when I need you”

_ And that’s how the first try ended. _

*

Eventually as soon as their friends realized that there wasn’t any sound coming from the room, and they stood in the locked room hugging each other, they let them out thinking they talked about everything and things went back to normal now. But that wasn’t the case. Renjun started avoiding Donghyuck again, and he accepted his decision and stopped making an effort to be around him anymore.

After one week of avoiding each other Jaemin might have lost all his patience, which was put to the test the past 2 months, and grabbed Renjun by the arm after practice and dragged him back into the practice room to talk to him alone.

“I know you didn’t reconcile whatever is between you two. But did it seriously become worse after you talked?”

“We’re not fighting and nothing has become worse”

“You can’t tell me that. Donghyuck isn't even trying anymore. What did you tell him?”

He tried to find something else to focus on to think about anything that would have helped him get out of this situation. Renjun just couldn’t tell him.

“Okay, this might be just an assumption. But were — or better — are you trying to get over him?” Jaemin hesitated for a second. “Did you fall in love with him?”

Something cracked in Renjun hearing those words he didn’t even want to say out loud. It was worse hearing them from somebody else. Was he that obvious with his feelings? Was he the only one who knew? The older one quietly winced and glanced up at him, forgetting how easy to read he now was. He was already staring at Renjun strongly waiting for an answer.

Should he just give in and tell him? Renjun guessed he already gave it away by guiltily glancing at him. It would be so easy to tell just one person and let this pressure go.

“You’re really obvious right now. Don’t even try to deny it.”

Renjun sighted, and then he slowly nodded followed by a “You can’t tell anyone”. Letting his guard down felt freeing and scary at the same time. What if Jaemin would judge him now?

“I won’t. But you can be relieved that apparently only I realized that you like him until now. I expected it — you know?”

At least his secret was safe with only one person.

“I know you’re just avoiding him to forget him and make yourself hurt less. But I think this won’t work. It hasn’t worked for the last 2 months. It won’t work for the next 2 months. You have to talk. You might even have to tell him.”

“But what if he judges me?”

“We both know the Donghyuck we’re very familiar with wouldn’t judge you.”

“What if he doesn’t judge me, but everything becomes weird, and we destroy the group dynamic because we can’t conceal it?”

“You mean weirder than the situation is right now? Haven’t you realized how tense the mood is already?”

He had reckoned that, but he couldn’t believe that it was now worse than if he just had told him.

“You have to tell him, Renjun. You’re just hurting more. I don’t want to see you hurting anymore. Donghyuck also doesn’t want to see you hurting anymore. He wants to help you.”

“But I’m scared. Don’t make me do that.” Renjun pleaded quietly voice cracking.

Jaemin suddenly held his arms and tried to make him keep eye contact.

“Come on; look at me. We both know you won’t fall out of love by yourself. You need a proper confrontation with your feelings. Even though a possible rejection might hurt you more than avoiding him, you’ll be over him and you’ll finally stop hurting. You won’t stop hurting if you don’t actively solve the problem, Renjun!”

_ And that was something he already knew but was too afraid of doing so. _

june 2018

The second try was worse.

Renjun couldn’t believe he fell for it a second time. He should have known that Jisung didn’t need his help for math homework in their shared room because first he never did it in his room and second of all he never did it at all. But apparently he was naïve enough today to fall into their trap and be locked into a room with Donghyuck again.

“Did you know about it this time?” The older asked, wondering if he was tricked or involved in wanting to talk to him.

Confused, he shook your head. He fully stopped even trying to talk to Renjun and only sent messages here and then; but that was all Donghyuck did. So there was no actual reason for him to want the others to help us talk. Donghyuck could have suggested for them to talk again if that was what he really wanted.

“I don’t know if you want to talk about it now.” The younger one said stepping forward breaking into Renjun’s comfort zone and making his heart beat fast.

Even though he tried hard forgetting his feelings for Donghyuck they stayed present. And it felt like they were stronger than before as he stood in front of him confronting him about them for the first time in months. Maybe it was only his imagination that tricked him into thinking that they became stronger.

Nervous Donghyuck searched for eye contact making sure Renjun was here with him.

“But you can talk to me. I won’t ever judge you — whatever it is. I missed you a lot the past months and I actually don’t want to be separated anymore. I don’t know what I can do to help you overcome what you’re going through without knowing what it is.”

Donghyuck’s lively eyes were fiercely boring into Renjun’s and imprinting their strength of will into my head. He was always very strong when it came to convince others with his determination. And Renjun was nearly persuaded into telling him, but suddenly something in his head woke him up and told him that it wasn’t right to tell Donghyuck. So he just stared back at him — feeling sorry for keeping his mouth shut and throwing him out of his mind as if he was a stranger.

Donghyuck took another step forward, making Renjun’s breath hitch because of the small space between them. Decisive was what the younger was this time. And he was seriously giving Renjun a hard time while he stood in front of him clouding his common sense. The older was this close to making up a lie to be with him again despite feeling like his heart was going to burst. And then Donghyuck stood in front of him, eyeing him gingerly before he spread his arms and carefully took Renjun into a warm hug.

As soon as the older one felt Donghyuck’s consoling embrace he let out a loud sight after he had unconsciously held his breath.

“I missed this” Renjun said while he nuzzled into the crook of his neck slowly picking up the familiar scent of his shampoo and fabric softener.

“Me too” Donghyuck answered, holding him closer. “But still, you haven’t told me what has been wrong the whole time.”

_ Here we go _ , Renjun thought  _ lights, camera, and action! _

“I just had some stress at home and that frustrated me a lot. And then I kind of got jealous of your work with NCT127. If schedules overlap, you’re always with them. Even though I’ve seen how tired you get working in both units, I get jealous because you ace them and I feel a bit left behind.” He lied quietly hoping Donghyuck would accept it.

He didn’t lie entirely. At some point he was envious. But the only reason Renjun ran away from him and his own feelings was that he didn’t want to be confronted. He tried to save their friendship by attempting to bury his feelings, forgetting that he might be doing it wrong and dissolving their friendship thinking it would help. But Renjun falling in love was something that Donghyuck didn’t need to know yet. He was too desperate holding onto their friendship to go back to letting you go again. Renjun wouldn’t want to go through these months again without him — even though it meant masking his feelings.

“Was it really only that?” Donghyuck said dubiously. “Did you leave me alone because you felt jealous because I have something you don’t? Is that worth ignoring me?”

“I can tell you it wasn’t. But I wanted to know if those  _ bad feelings  _ would just disappear when I wasn’t around you as much.”

Bad feelings were the most honest term Renjun could use without exposing myself.

Gradually they released each other from the hug as Donghyuck nodded lost in thoughts probably thinking if his excuse was believable enough. But suddenly he stopped as they stood face to face — way too close to not let Renjun’s heart fall out his chest as it was racing a lot again.

The younger stared into his eyes probably wondering if he could read if he lied or not, but Renjun didn’t believe it was this easy to read people. There was nothing to be afraid of when he stared into Renjun eyes. They consisted of nearly black nothing. Yet he made him nervous; unexpectedly making him think about Donghyuck’s lips as they looked very soft and kissable in front of him. Renjun could just move his head a few centimeters, and he could feel them — test if they felt like how they looked. And when Renjun’s gaze left his lips he became aware that Donghyuck was staring at his too.

Renjun always wondered if he thought the same as him that day.

But then the moment was over as soon as something woke Donghyuck up from his deep thoughts, which might have involved Renjun, and made him shrug away; making Renjun feel a bit conscious because it was so sudden. Yet he tried to hide it with a smile, which tried to make him believe that he wasn’t even fazed a bit by the situation they had just a moment ago.

“So, everything’s alright now?” Donghyuck said unsure looking away.

“Everything’s back to normal now, I hope.”

_ And that’s how the months began when everything went like it once did except the way they both longed for kisses, which they never allowed themselves to give into. _

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed third person more than my weird attempt to write first person (if you read the first version)  
> and i hope i can update the second chapter in some days and continue writing the third  
> but let's hope i won't take long  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/injuntotheworld)  
> [twt](https://twitter.com/injuntotheworld)


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